Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
