So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
