why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
