I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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