chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Randomize
