I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
