I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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