If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
A bitchslap is in order.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
