I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
