$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
