i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
