Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
