Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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