You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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