I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We had to coat check the pizza.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
