Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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