Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
