I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
