Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
