i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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