My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
