Umm I'm too high to move.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
