New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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