Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
