I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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