We won't sleep together?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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