My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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