erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
