There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
