You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Houston, we have a squirter
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
