I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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