yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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