Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
