A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
