You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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