Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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