I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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