my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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