seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
