She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
