i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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