I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
