I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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