If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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