And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
