If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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