I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
