Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
