You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
