Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
