On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
