Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Randomize
