So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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