do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
