I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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