508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
