I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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