I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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